The Hidden Struggles of Raising Young Athletes: An Olympic Mom's Story
- Dr Paul McCarthy
- 1 day ago
- 11 min read
Your child probably won't become a champion. That's just how probability works . I've spent over a decade coaching athletes and helping them chase their sports dreams. This experience has shown me how complex it can be to raise young athletes. Kids play sports because they love it . Parents find it hard to keep this point of view as competition gets tougher.
Parents often ask me about the best way to raise an athlete. Research reveals that young competitors "choke" in part because they feel judged while performing in front of others . This pressure hits hardest when it comes from their parents. Olympic athlete Lauren Regula earned her bronze medal at 40 . She believes sports should build character and mental toughness instead of just focusing on winning . Even with the best intentions, raising elite young athletes isn't easy .
This piece offers guidance to help you balance supporting your child's sports experience without adding extra pressure. Sports should never feel like a chore. Kids lose their enthusiasm and some of childhood's joy when that happens . Let's explore ways to challenge young athletes while keeping their well-being as our top priority.
The early excitement and hidden expectations
The joy begins when you watch your child run across a field or score their first basket. Parents beam with pride, snap countless photos, and cheer from the sidelines. Parents play a vital role in shaping young athletes' experiences, yet they remain the least studied group in sports literature [1].
Why many parents start with good intentions
Parents want the best for their children in sports. They give material, emotional, organizational, and financial support so their children can participate in sports activities [1]. Their original motivation comes from pure intentions—they want children to develop physical skills, learn teamwork, and build confidence [2].
Sports become a valuable part of children's upbringing and path to adulthood. Parents believe that excellence in sports teaches life lessons [2]. This goes beyond just spending time—90% of parents see their investment of money and hours in sports as meaningful to their child's future [3].
The change happens slowly. A child shows talent, coaches praise them, and new possibilities emerge. Research shows 67% of parents hope their children will earn college scholarships, while 34% dream of Olympic teams or professional careers [4]. The situation becomes more worrying when 40% of parents with young athletes feel "certain" or "fairly sure" these big dreams will come true [4].
This explains why 72% of parents and coaches think youth sports feel more professional than fun these days [3]. On top of that, two-thirds of parents think their child shows above-average athletic ability (68%), and some believe their child will become a sports star (17%) [3].
How early success can change focus to outcomes
Early athletic success can mislead. Children's physical development varies greatly—some children of the same age may differ in physical traits by up to four years [5]. Then, early developers often succeed because of their size and strength—not better technique or talent [5].
The trap of early achievement creates a cycle of problems. Early developers often become local sports heroes and build their identity around athletics [5]. Parents of these early developers take on this identity too, putting more time, energy, and resources into their child's chosen sport [5].
This focus on performance changes the parent-child relationship. Children feel pressure to perform when parents put athletic development before overall growth [2]. Research shows a big gap—adolescents, especially boys, feel much more pressure from parents than parents realize [6].
The effects show up when sports talk takes over at home, with hours spent analyzing opponents and giving performance feedback [2]. Tennis legend Andre Agassi described this perfectly in his autobiography, showing how his father's expectations shaped his entire relationship with tennis [6].
What starts as genuine encouragement turns into an unhealthy focus on results over time. Early success—often just from early physical development—creates expectations that few children maintain as their peers catch up physically [5]. Both early and late developers face challenges. Early developers get discouraged when competitors catch up, while late developers might quit because they don't succeed early [5].
Letting kids lead their own journey
Your child wears the uniform, but who really drives their athletic development? This question lies at the heart of youth sports. Research shows that motivation—specifically its source—creates the difference between children who thrive athletically and those who burn out.
The importance of intrinsic motivation
Intrinsic motivation means participating in an activity because it brings satisfaction and joy. Athletes with strong intrinsic motivation have longer, more successful careers since their drive comes from within rather than external rewards [7]. Self-Determination Theory suggests that intrinsic motivation grows when three simple psychological needs are met:
Competence - Learning and developing skills to increase confidence
Autonomy - Having choices and a sense of freedom within their sport
Relatedness - Making connections and feeling part of a team [8]
Studies confirm that children with intrinsic motivation show deeper involvement in learning activities, better conceptual understanding, and higher persistence [8]. Research demonstrates that the most self-determined forms of motivation link directly to positive outcomes such as engagement, well-being, and healthy relationships [9].
How to spot if your child is doing it for you
Researchers call it the "gaze for approval"—that sidelong glance kids make toward their parents after a play [10]. This moment reveals much about motivation. Children who constantly seek parental approval during competition lose their presence in the sport experience.
Your emotions can signal another warning. Do you feel more nervous before competitions than your child? More excited about their success and more disappointed when they don't meet expectations? [1] University of Washington researcher Frank Smoll calls this the "reverse dependency trap," where parents see themselves in their child's experience and measure their self-worth through their child's success [1].
The conversations at home tell an even bigger story. Your child might feel their value depends on athletic achievement if sports talk dominates discussions, with hours spent analyzing opponents and critiquing performance [2].
Encouraging exploration over specialization
Evidence against early specialization grows stronger. Young athletes need to "sample" different sports during childhood. This helps them build the foundational physical, psychosocial, and cognitive skills needed for long-term success [11].
Early specialization takes the fun out of sports for kids. Children won't develop skills through training without the motivation to learn, no matter how many hours they practice [12]. Studies support that children should try various sports at levels matching their abilities and interests. This approach best delivers the physical, psychological, and social benefits of sport [11].
Children show their readiness to learn and participate in a sport by expressing interest in it [13]. A coach said it best: "Sports is one of few places in a child's life where a parent can say, 'This is your thing'" [2]. After ensuring a safe team environment, let your child connect with the coach and the game. Their successes become truly theirs, their failures become learning experiences—and most importantly, the motivation stays their own.
The emotional weight of parental presence
Picture this: Your child steps onto the field and looks your way. That look tells you everything about the complex relationship between parents and young athletes. Parental involvement includes both supportive and pressure behaviors. These behaviors create a complex influence on young athletes [5].
Why your support can feel like pressure
Your well-meant encouragement might feel like pressure to your child. Research reveals children prefer simple praise and understanding over too much parental involvement [5]. Parents often develop behaviors throughout their child's sports experience. These behaviors include dreams of fame, seeing their child's sport as an investment, and focusing on winning instead of skill development or enjoyment [5].
The burden of responsibility weighs heavily on children who feel responsible for their parents' happiness. A study points out that "by releasing your child you remove any chance that your child believes he is responsible for your happiness" [14]. This burden creates unnecessary weight that affects their performance.
Parents who say "we" instead of "he" or "she" when talking about their child's performance haven't let go [14]. Your deep concern about wins and losses, more than your child's, shows unhealthy attachment to results.
Understanding performance anxiety in front of parents
Children show physical signs of performance anxiety. These include faster heartbeat, higher blood pressure, rapid breathing, dry mouth, and sweating [15]. Their minds race with thoughts about failing and negative outcomes [15].
Different children react differently. Some practice obsessively. Others avoid competitions, delay them, or act like they don't care [15]. Research shows about 30% of female and 25% of male college athletes report serious anxiety [6].
Children develop anxiety partly because they know how much their parents invest. Young athletes notice more pressure from their parents because they see their parents' efforts [5]. Research found that players who felt more parental pressure showed less motivation and enjoyed their sport less [5].
When stepping back helps more than stepping in
Parents face a tough reality: knowing when to step back. Your child needs space to make the sport their own [14]. This freedom helps them compete harder, train more, and improve faster [14].
You should move from the sideline to the stands when you see certain signs. These include your child avoiding practice talks, treating the game like work instead of fun, or your concern exceeding theirs about performance [16].
Stepping back doesn't mean walking away. Your role changes to being their biggest fan without adding pressure [16]. Your unconditional support remains vital. Focus on supporting the person first, then the athlete [17].
Sometimes the best way to help your young athlete regain motivation isn't doing more. Give them space to find their own path [14].
Redefining success in youth sports
Athletic success means more than just trophies and medals. Many youth sports programs follow a win-at-all-costs mentality that takes away valuable learning experiences from children. Young athletes feel pressure instead of getting stronger under this approach.
Why winning isn't the only goal
Scoreboards and youth championships often overshadow what really matters in children's athletic development [18]. Youth sports horror stories are everywhere—from coaches who act like tyrants and only play the best kids to parents who shame their children for mistakes in public [19]. Young athletes learn that trying isn't worth it unless they're sure to win in this environment focused only on winning [20].
Focusing on effort, growth, and character
Praising effort instead of natural talent builds mental resilience. Children learn to value hard work and staying power when we reward the behavior we want to see [4]. The focus on growth helps young athletes see mistakes as chances to learn [3].
Norway shows us a better way—kids there play sports for fun before they turn 13, which helps them develop a real love for athletics. Their youth sports participation reaches about 90%, while the USA sits at less than 45% [18]. This might explain why Norway won a record 37 medals at the 2022 Winter Olympics [18].
How to talk about games without judgment
A powerful change in thinking comes from being non-judgmental about performance. Young athletes who always label their performance as "good" or "bad" swing between emotional highs and lows [21]. Their focus breaks down and their confidence drops.
Questions that make kids think work better than asking "Was that good enough?" after games. Try "What did you learn?" or "What could you try differently next time?" [4] Kids develop a focus on the process rather than just results [22].
Sports teach life's basics when done right—trying, falling, getting back up, talking to others, and believing that effort creates real success [20].
The long game: building resilience and life skills
Failure teaches athletes the most valuable lessons in sports. It creates what researchers call a "psychological callus" that helps young minds adapt better to future challenges [23]. Young athletes need to develop lifelong capabilities rather than focus on winning right away.
How failure teaches more than success
Sports give kids safe ways to fail—they can miss a basket today and try again tomorrow. Sports setbacks are different from academic failures because players can quickly adjust and improve [23]. Olympic volleyball coach Karch Kiraly sees mistakes differently. He calls them "Opportunities to Improve" [24]. Athletes who look for solutions instead of dwelling on problems build the mental toughness they need to overcome obstacles [9].
Letting kids struggle and solve problems
Kids develop critical problem-solving skills through sports. They learn to analyze situations and make quick strategic decisions under pressure [7]. These skills help them beyond the field—"figuring out why you missed the goal in soccer on Monday looks a lot like debugging a business pitch on Thursday" [23]. Research shows that kids who play sports handle tough situations better [8].
Why unconditional support matters most
Parents should never tie their support to game results [25]. Athletes often feel isolated during tough times and question their abilities [9]. They need reassurance about their parent's unconditional love more than technical advice. Research shows a big difference between what parents and athletes see as helpful—support works only when it matches the athlete's actual needs [26].
Conclusion
Raising a young athlete is one of parenting's toughest balancing acts. This trip has shown how parents' involvement, though well-intended, can turn from support into pressure. Parents begin with pure motives - they want their children to learn teamwork, build confidence, and develop physical skills. All the same, early success often changes the focus toward outcomes rather than growth.
Young athletes need to own their athletic experiences. Their inner drive matters most, not outside approval or their parents' dreams. That sidelong glance seeking your approval after a play tells volumes about who really drives their sports experience.
Parents should know when to step back. Your child wears the uniform, so the wins and losses belong to them. This viewpoint gives young athletes room to develop real passion instead of performing out of duty.
True success goes way beyond the reach and influence of trophies and medals. The greatest victories come through learning resilience, problem-solving, and building character - skills that blend naturally into adulthood. Sports give low-risk chances to face failure and develop "psychological calluses" that strengthen young minds for future challenges.
Your unconditional support matters above everything else. Children don't need technical critiques after tough losses - they need to know your love stays strong whatever their performance. The next time your young athlete competes, think over this viewpoint: you're watching character development unfold, not just a game.
Parents might dream of raising champions, but true championship parenting puts the child before the athlete. Sports should stay a joyful part of childhood rather than feel like work. We must create environments where children learn, grow, and find their own athletic identities - while knowing we'll love them equally, win or lose.
Key Takeaways on Raising Young Athletes
Raising young athletes requires a delicate balance between support and pressure, where the child's intrinsic motivation and character development matter more than trophies and wins.
• Let children own their athletic journey - When kids constantly seek parental approval during games, they're performing for you, not themselves • Step back to help them step forward - Your unconditional love should never depend on game results; sometimes less involvement creates more growth • Focus on effort over outcomes - Praise hard work and learning from mistakes rather than just wins; this builds lasting resilience and mental toughness • Redefine success beyond scoreboards - Sports teach problem-solving, character, and life skills that transfer far beyond athletics into adulthood • Avoid early specialization pressure - Children who sample multiple sports develop better foundational skills and maintain longer-term motivation than early specialists
The ultimate goal isn't raising a champion athlete, but using sports as a vehicle to develop confident, resilient individuals who love the process of growth and learning.
References
[1] - https://stackathlete.com/red-flags-invested-sports-parents/[2] - https://mysctp.com/parents-be-aware-of-your-own-behaviors/[3] - https://activstars.com/growth-mindset-in-sports-how-to-learn-from-mistakes-and-keep-improving/[4] - https://theathleteacademy.uk/building-mental-resilience-in-youth-athletes/[5] - https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8391271/[6] - https://welcome.practicewise.com/empowering-youth-in-sports-exploring-why-some-are-stepping-away/[7] - https://wewillthrusports.com/blog/problem-solving-skills/[8] - https://www.i9sports.com/blog/how-failure-in-sports-can-lead-to-success[9] - https://www.kidssportspsychology.com/how-to-problem-solve-for-athletes/[10] - https://medium.com/@waynept2/the-gaze-for-approval-how-parents-and-kids-can-undermine-team-spirit-in-youth-sports-e185b4d2b641[11] - https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4702158/[12] - https://www.boomsports.co.uk/blog/early-specialization/[13] - https://www.nsca.com/education/articles/nsca-coach/early-sport-specialization-versus-diversification-in-youth-athletes/?srsltid=AfmBOoo6t99yt8hQnSVyUrNhxHJI6zzpWdndkcKn2m7fdXfbYPKizEzZ[14] - https://changingthegameproject.com/release-your-child-to-the-game/[15] - https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/childhood-narcissism/202406/helping-children-with-performance-anxiety[16] - https://www.thedailydraftnewsletter.com/p/when-to-stop-coaching-your-child[17] - https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1469029223000249[18] - https://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/2024/12/15/sports-coaching-philosophies-best-fit-for-your-child/76975626007/[19] - https://www.wholechildsports.com/about-wcs/the-book/[20] - https://forefrontwealthplanning.com/when-winning-isnt-winning-in-youth-sports-or-in-life/[21] - https://www.successstartswithin.com/sports-psychology-articles/athlete-mental-training/how-to-stop-judging-yourself-during-games/[22] - http://www.sportpsychologytoday.com/sport-psychology-for-coaches/developing-a-healthy-sports-philosophy/[23] - https://www.usatf.org/Campus/Articles/2025/Learning-to-Fail-How-Sport-Develops-Strength-Throu[24] - https://balanceisbetter.org.nz/how-to-help-athletes-with-failure/[25] - https://www.parentsinsport.co.uk/2022/09/26/how-to-raise-a-champion-try-to-relax/[26] - https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4025545/
